How do you turn a value such as trust, independence or closeness into something you can discuss? Start with one ordinary decision. “We should respect each other” may express a wish, but it leaves open what respect means when you make plans, share money or use each other’s phones.
A value, a request and an agreement are different
A value describes something you want to give room to. A request asks for a particular action. An agreement needs the other person’s actual response. You can value privacy, ask that messages remain private and then find out whether that request is respected. Naming the value does not make an agreement exist.
Choose one decision to discuss
A hypothetical example: one partner wants more time together while the other wants a regular evening with friends. They could ask which time is available, what each person hopes for and whether a workable arrangement exists. Neither person has to prove that their wish reveals their authentic self or that the other person has a hidden defect.
Write down what happened before deciding why it happened. “Our plan changed twice without asking me” is more specific than “You do not value me.” Specificity does not require you to dismiss a repeated pattern; it helps identify the conduct you want to discuss.
Values can meet practical limits
Work, disability, caring responsibilities, money and housing can affect available choices. A disagreement may involve competing needs as well as different values. You do not have to turn every difficulty into a failure to communicate or a lesson about attracting the wrong person.
Safety is not something better wording can guarantee
When there is intimidation, coercion or violence, a direct conversation may not be a safe first step. You do not have to disclose your plans or persuade someone to deserve protection. Seek support in a way that takes your circumstances into account. Another person remains responsible for their harmful behaviour, even if you cannot explain your values clearly.
An optional video, with room to disagree
The existing English video about relationship values is approximately 34 minutes long. Its topic fits this question. Treat it as a perspective for reflection, not proof that one programme can make needs flow effortlessly or change another person. This page does not establish the original programme’s effectiveness or claim authorship of the video’s ideas.
Further reading and one question to keep
Optional further reading: How to Be the Love You Seek by Nicole LePera (English e-book). A book offers a perspective to examine; it does not assess your relationship or prove a guaranteed outcome.
Optional further reading: Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab (English edition). A book offers a perspective to examine; it does not assess your relationship or prove a guaranteed outcome.
Optional further reading: Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. A book offers a perspective to examine; it does not assess your relationship or prove a guaranteed outcome.
These are affiliate links: a purchase may earn the blog a commission. The books are optional reading, not a required route to a better relationship.
You might keep one question: “What would this value look like in the next decision we make?” You may discover agreement, uncertainty or a limit. None of those outcomes measures your worth. The Dutch guide to self-awareness and Dutch guide to boundaries and safety offer broader reading routes. Choose what helps, including outside support or a pause.
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Goed om te weten: onze informatie ondersteunt inzicht en zelfreflectie en vervangt geen persoonlijke diagnose, behandeling of professioneel advies.
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Annemie Persyn-Declercq en Johan Persyn
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