If you confront a narcissist with their own behavior what do you think will happen?
Can you confront a narcissist? What happens if you encounter them? Will the proverbial kitten really turn into a lion? Answers to these questions depend on the circumstances and the people involved. Before you decide to confront someone with a personality disorder, ask yourself, “What’s the outcome I’m hoping for?”
Reason for a confrontation with a narcissist.
If you have just discovered that your partner or parent is a narcissist, you may have a strong urge to confront them with that information. You do that because you hope they recognize themselves in what you describe. In addition, you hope that they will show remorse for the pain they have caused.
If that’s the outcome you expect, you’ll be disappointed. Narcissists do not know regret for another. They only know guilt for themselves.
The narcissist’s self-esteem is no more developed than that of a young child.
They cannot deal with a truth that shows they are less than perfect.
Unlike alcohol abusers or other abusers who can eventually “see the light,” narcissists simply cannot look inside themselves and thus never see the truth.
Self-reflection is not a tool in the narcissist’s skill set.
Before going into strategies on confronting a narcissist, take a look at what you want from this confrontational interaction. Do you want equality in your relationship, acceptance, or meaning in their eyes? Or do you think it is advisable that you just leave?
Looking for those results will require large amounts of time and energy, but your chances of success are minimal.
You feel that you are in a position where you have little or no choice. For example: married and you can’t leave for financial or religious reasons. Then you are left with no choice except to confront a narcissist. Then read on.
Response to a confrontation.
What can you expect when you confront a narcissist?
They will generally resort to narcissistic anger (explosive or passive-aggressive) or denial.
They may become enraged, deny everything, and then play the victim. Narcissists can call you a liar, challenge reality, blame you, and then play the victim.
You can be the target of their anger and aggression or become a victim of the silent treatment.
It is also common for him or her to project everything you say about them onto you.
For example, if you confront them about infidelity, they will turn it around and claim that you are the one cheating on them.
If you are strong enough to handle this treatment, go ahead and use the strategies below to confront him (or her).
If you’re hoping for a permanent, positive change in their behavior, you’re probably going to meet even more disappointment or pain along the way.
Why do they develop a “narcissistic anger”? Narcissists get enraged because they think they are perfect and flawless. They cannot accept any kind of disagreement, criticism, or accountability for their actions.
Narcissists respond to narcissistic harm with narcissistic anger.
“Narcissistic harm” is a threat (real or imagined, however minor) to the so perfect or all-powerful narcissistic grandiose self-image.
They see every difference of opinion as criticism and every critical remark as abject humiliation. Narcissists desire perfection, so even the slightest challenge to that self-image is seen as a threat.
So the reaction is an overreaction.
They react defensively and indignantly, aggressively and emotionally.
They “devalue” the person who criticizes, disagrees, or dares to confront them about their behavior.
By devaluing that person, they minimize the impact of the threat on their self-esteem.
The devalued individual is likely to be subject to severe ongoing emotional harassment, guilt, and abuse (verbal and physical).
“Narcissistic anger” responds to perceived (real or imagined) criticism, disagreement, or confrontation. Basically, narcissistic anger is a response to a narcissistic injury.
There are 2 types of narcissistic anger: explosive and passive-aggressive.
1. Explosive – The narcissist erupts like a volcano, attacks everyone around him, causes damage to objects or people and is very abusive.
2. Passive-Aggressive – The narcissist sulks, silently treats and plans to punish those involved. They are evil and vengeful. They harass, disrupt, sabotage, and damage the work or property of the violators.
How to confront a narcissist?
According to Sam Vaknin, a self-proclaimed narcissist and author of “The Evil Self,” the easiest way to treat the narcissist is to leave or threaten to leave him. The threat can be vague and does not have to meet certain conditions.
“If you do/don’t do “something” – I will leave you.”
When you are going to confront a narcissist, you have to be persistent and yell.
The narcissist can be controlled by the same weapons they use to overpower others. Their separation anxiety overshadows almost everything in a narcissist’s life.
For example, if the narcissist gets too close to someone emotionally, the narcissist begins to fear that this person will leave him or she is inevitable.
This causes the narcissist to act cruelly. As a result, they distance themselves, which often leads to the abandonment they fear.
It is the narcissist’s paradox, which is also the key to confronting and dealing with the narcissist.
When the narcissist engages in narcissistic anger – anger at himself, the fear of abandonment is ignited, and so he calms down and calms down.
The narcissist will try to make amends. Instantly, his mood will swing from one end of the emotional spectrum (cold, angry, cynical, and cruel) to the other end of the spectrum (warm, loving, optimistic).
Mirror the narcissist’s actions and repeat his words to him:
If he threatens – threaten him back. The narcissist leaves the house – you leave the house. The narcissist acts suspiciously – you act suspiciously. Descending to his level and using criticism, demeaning comments, and humiliation. Mirror back to him, and the narcissist will always back off.
Narcissists can cause negative and harmful effects to us and what is important to us.
Narcissists are superficial individuals for whom self-esteem often determines their behavior. They compare themselves to their partner, family, and friends.
To successfully and effectively confront a narcissist, your self-esteem must be strong, and you must firmly believe in your right to engage their attitude or behavior.
Stand up for yourself and confront the narcissist by mirroring his behavior; by doing this, you may be able to regain control of your own life.
There is a lot of good information about narcissists, but mainly in the context of a man-woman relationship. Several articles discuss narcissistic mothers and how mothers deal with their daughters when they have all the power.
But if you see the schema of the relationship, you can apply it to any kind of personal relationship.
Read Karyl McBride’s excellent book: “Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.”
It’s all about the different types of damaged, narcissistic mothers and their harm to their daughters.
Often the subject is out of the question because they cannot do so. Immediately they ignite in anger.
When you see the schema, it’s a perfect description for a narcissist.
It only gets worse if you’re empathetic. If you can’t bear it anymore and you become angry, you may be able to take the mask off the narcissist. But take care of your safety because they don’t act normal.
Much of what you’ll find in in-depth information here will apply to your situation, and it feels scary.
But you were not born with this information, so a lot of time is lost, and the narcissist can influence you.
What especially helps is the “no contact rule”- “No Contact rule” with narcissists.
It’s a waste of your time to want to confront them about their abuse.
As painful as it is to realize that you don’t have a mother or father if she or he is a narcissist.
Pedophiles and narcissists seem to have a lot in common.
Some victims also suffer from abuse by their mother’s husbands.
Sometimes the only love a victim child receives is that of the grandparents.
Yet if you are an empathetic person, you can see that as a unique experience that you can use to help others.
This may mean that you want to become a psychotherapist to become even more aware of what narcissism is all about.
It’s like you can capture the feelings of others. This high sensitivity may result from growing up with a narcissistic mother.
You can begin to change your self-image by recognizing that you were made with this gift to become a counselor. You were made to appreciate, comfort, listen to, and empathize with other people.
Of course, that gift is a curse if you use it in the wrong situation with the narcissistic mother.
Often, if a therapist has not yet experienced a situation such as a relationship with a narcissist, you will feel a rift. The therapist then wonders whether the events are being dramatized or exaggerated?
Many victims, therefore, think that they are also guilty because they have made bad choices. Then this often turns out to be the reason why they won’t have the strength to recover.
You can educate yourself to gain as much knowledge as possible about narcissism.
While you can follow the ‘no contact rule‘ to fully recover.
You need to get yourself to safety to avoid new narcissistic violence.
70% of the victims of narcissists were also abused by pedophiles. Psychotherapy is essential in many cases.
People will see that you have become a well-rounded person. They will also know that you can become a rock in the surf for others. Some will snap and say you’ve changed a lot.
You weren’t designed to be your mother’s janitor. It is the mother who is supposed to be the one to take care of you, with your strengths and weaknesses.
Unfortunately, there is no investigation, and you are informed that she cannot do so if you are a child. (parentification)
But the answer is not that you are the one who has to take care of her.
Those who help the narcissistic mother now are not getting a real-life. They have no chance because the narcissist is ruining their life. (parentification)
Especially if you are strongly empathetic, the narcissist will take the life away from you. Their aura will suffocate you. You feel the pain of others and also the emptiness in the narcissist. Like a black hole, you are sucked into it.
Empathetic people are different from others. They can help solve the problems of others. They have an attitude that people are very open towards them.
Hopefully, there are more empaths in the world than narcissists. But narcissists quickly rise to the top in organizations. And not all empaths are emotionally dependent or lack self-love.
Many narcissists convince themselves in a false empathy.
They speak and act as if they are very good at empathy, without any measurable and consistent action, or act to help, but not when the camera is not on them. Many people cannot distinguish between a false empathetic person and a real one.
However, narcissists do know where to find the empaths. You may be gifted at “reading others” but not see if you are being mistreated by others.
You may be able to see narcissistic abuse from a mile away, but many people’s superficial and self-centered behavior seems so typical today. The reason why is because the resources to build a great image has become much more significant than they used to be.
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Then we can find out together the possibilities to push away negativity. This way, you will learn how to survive with your gift and not suffer from the narcissist’s “vacuuming” attempts.
An empathetic person who has been a narcissist victim should change all of her contact details.
Let us know in the comments what advice you have for an empathetic person.
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Remember: you have the power to switch from the unconscious to the conscious life at any time and grow in becoming invincible! If you’re tired of feeling like a victim, today is an excellent day to become totally unstoppable.
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We hope this has inspired you. Even if you are experiencing the most horrific pain and circumstances right now, there is still hope.
In fact, we want to hold your hand and take you through an actual shift that releases trauma and gives you peace and a change right now (or whenever there is a convenient time for you).