FOR ME, EVERYTHING IS VERY APPARENT WHEN I STUDY ABOUT PARTNER VIOLENCE.
Since my relationship with my husband I dare to speak about the partner violence and now also its effects during my first marriage.
It was a long process to recover and to be no longer affected, but I believe that I am now gradually being done with it.
Intimate partner violence One in 5 women of the age of 15 are victims of Intimate Partner Violence and over 1,000 are killed each year in the U.S. Globally, it is even worse.
I can’t change anymore to what is behind me, but I can still make so much good in what for me is.
The time has come to break the silence.
I had to know my ex-husband at the Catholic Youth movement.
After two years, we decided to get married.
I wanted to marry for the Church because I am faithful.
After our marriage, I wasn’t allowed by him to go to the Young Church Roeselare.
I found this of course, regrettable because, after all, I was a very active leader and a member for six years.
Years of which you say, if I had not experienced this, it had made me not as strong as I am.
Soon we got three children, the youngest was born in August 1999.
GRADUALLY I BEGAN TO DISCOVER WHO WAS ACTUALLY MY EX-HUSBAND.
On 21 April 2000 he confessed me suddenly three things:
- He was gay,
- He had repeatedly sexually abused his own nephew aged 13 in the period of our engagement until one year after the birth of the eldest son.
- He said he was only married me to hide his orientation,
by being married he could hide it easily because of me being his housewife and having children together, he could streamline perfect his behavior for everyone.
The world literally dropped off under my feet.
Where was my dream to have a happy family?
Meanwhile, there were still serious alterations busy in our home, so we were even forced to move to another house.
I was then in full career break to take care of the children and the household to take on me.
My youngest daughter was only eight months when my ex told me everything.
Financially I was so dependent on him.
In that period more and more vomiting bouts that he was more aggressive, rougher, more depressed.
Psychoses of him, however, I have experienced several times,
in which he was really wildly and this especially in the middle of the night.
Yet I always succeeded in getting him in some ways to the doctor so that could be a tranquilizer administered to him.
Still pleased with the era without a mobile, I did have all wireless phone so that I could flee to another room in the house and thus also could put the front door ajar to let the House doctor.
It was mainly a period of domestic violence, rape in marriage to me, emotional blackmail, humiliation etc. …
Goose affair with his abused nephew was stabbed by his family in the cover up.
His nephew is to be two years been treated in psychiatry.
I dared not to tell this to my family.
In front of me he has never uttered a word of remorse about or shown.
In fact, I had had the chance to declare it to the police. I have done this in 2013.
I HAVE WAITED SO LONG BECAUSE:
- I really was afraid of him and on the other hand,
Because he still was the father of my children and I should call there
not the embarrassment that their father was in jail.
By his anger and aggression, he is quite a few times for a period of a month, been included in psychiatry.
He was also heavily to the antidepressants and other psychotropic
(mind-altering) drugs against aggression, took fear and sexual urges…
The periods that he was in treatment in a psychiatric hospital brought me some rest.
But I stayed with that uncomfortable feeling that he had sexually abused a child.
I had more and more the feeling to be cheated, felt dirty, nasty and especially embarrassed because I had not seen all this.
In that period he forced me to watch gay porn,
I had to be more ‘ man ‘ than a woman to let him indulge his sexual needs.
I gradually hit on. In that time, he went also to gay ‘houses’.
I ALSO DIDN’T HAVE THE SUPPORT OF HIS FAMILY AND MY OWN FAMILY.
On the contrary, the marriage promise “in good and evil days” was well-used against me.
Because to the outside world he was a heavily depressive sick man:
and you can’t get rid of a ‘sick’ men.
When I studied or took part in courses and exams my ex-husband was completely against it.
It wasn’t tolerated that I was working on my personal development.
MAKING CAREER WAS NOT NECESSARY, TO BECOME INDEPENDENT.
He’d much prefer that I would stay home and take care of him and for the children.
This I have refused.
However, I was continuing to give him opportunities until my patience was more than over.
At the beginning of January 2005 were an awful month for my kids and myself.
THE CHILDREN WITNESSED OF PARTNER VIOLENCE.
Following a major incident of domestic violence in front of me, whose children witnessed,
I’ve caught him literally at his collar and put him outside.
Afterwards, I stood amazed what power I had then.
I wanted to divorce.
This was no marriage for me anymore.
Then I vowed that he would never ever even touch on the minds of the children.
I went for a year in guidance at Largo (consultancy for family).
In that period I have had no voice for 2 months,
I had to learn to speak again through speech therapy and
I was plagued by severe hair loss that caused bald spots.
All of this was blamed on the stress of the past few years.
I was treated with cortisone injections.
After that experience with my ex-husband, I replied to almost no one more.
It was really hard to get someone to admit my feelings.
It was like there was something broken in me, so I had to protect my body and mind.
I would allow no one who could hurt me and I would do it all by myself.
“Relationship with a man could only lead to abuse” was I thinking.
I was focused on my work and of course on the education of my children.
Since 2009, I have again a very happy relationship with my husband.
I already knew him as a friend in the Youth Church.
This made the step easier to trust a man again.
Together, we are already one and a half years in the meantime foster parents
of a beauty of a girl of three years.
Annulment of my Catholic Marriage.
I also had the power to start a lawsuit for the ecclesiastical court for my first marriage to dissolve.
This marriage is by the ecclesiastical court annulled both at the first and second instance.
This meant a lot in personal confidence to start a process of healing and this feels like a real liberation in which also my man shares.
Johan Persyn Hooglede Belgium
Category: violence in relationships
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