The final step in Monbourquette’s forgiveness model involves a critical free choice. You can capitalize on renewing the relationship. Alternatively, you can decisively end the relationship. The advance word premises this twelve-part series, Growing Together Towards a New Beginning.
We are stuck
“All that talk about forgiveness is pretty nice, but if you’re hurt, it’s no use,” the woman asserted. The attendant delicately inquired what she meant by that. “Incest,” the woman stated flatly. “That’s what I mean. And it’s no use to me a church telling me to forgive someone like that. It’s taken me years to overcome the traumas of my childhood. I don’t need anyone to come and tell me to forgive my poor old father. I don’t need to go see him again.”
Many people want to dodge forgiving. They think it implies they should continue their relationship with the person who hurt them in the same way. They believe that forgiveness necessitates reconciliation with this person and restoration of the old bond. Everything in them rebels against this thought: their sense of justice, their self-protection, their dreams for the future. Monbourquette sees other possibilities, considering people’s existential limits. Thus, his twelfth step in forgiveness offers a free choice: you can renew the relationship or… terminate it. But is that real forgiveness? Isn’t reconciliation between the two parties always the ultimate destination of the journey?
Forgiveness and Reconciliation
From his daily experience as a priest and therapist, Monbourquette sought a deeper understanding of concepts such as forgiveness. He also explored reconciliation. For example, he challenged some simplistic views on forgiveness and drew attention to its intricacies. For instance, forgiving does not mean accepting all blows with a smile. It means you strive to stop injustice, including injustice against yourself.
Forgiveness is a pilgrimage and not a moral achievement.
Forgiveness also means taking care of yourself and nurturing the wound. Moreover, forgiveness is understanding who hurt you, not just apologizing to them. It is seeing and accepting anger and resentment within yourself. And so forth. Furthermore, reconciliation can be contextualized in a wider framework. Sometimes reconciliation is constricted to moving on again, almost as if nothing happened.
Reconciliation is a much richer concept. When we reconcile, we embrace something or someone. We can reconcile with a loved one. It is also possible to reconcile with life, our past, or even God. We might find reconciliation with a new perspective on reality or a different state of health. Continuing the relationship can be part of the reconciliation, but reconciliation is much broader.
Monbourquette views forgiveness as an inner path, which can be walked at any time and by anyone. On that road, we will experience some form of reconciliation. Perhaps we will reconcile with God and find that God has been reconciled to us.
We can reconcile with ourselves, our past, and our present condition.
On the path to forgiveness, we take steps to reconcile with the other person. We learn to see him or her as someone who is seeking love, albeit in a very misguided way.
We reconcile with the other by sincerely wishing them a good future. This holds true even if we can no longer be part of that future. It also applies if we do not want to be part of it. Continuing reconciliation in terms of the relationship can evolve. It’s wonderful if that’s possible and happens, but it doesn’t have to. We can forgive someone and still terminate the relationship. We can forgive someone and continue the relationship on a less intimate level. Ultimately, we can forgive someone and continue the relationship on a deeper, more profound level.
Forgiveness and deepening the relationship
When we traverse the path of forgiveness, we are patients, caregivers, and researchers simultaneously.
We open ourselves to the healing grace of God. Simultaneously, we take loving care of the wound and analyze what exactly happened. We reflect on the person who hurt us and attempt to step into his or her shoes. We listen to his or her story. Gradually, we also gain insight into our role in what went awry. We have the opportunity to examine our attitudes. We evaluate our reactions in personal relationships without self-deprecation. When we have everything in order, we realize it is still possible to continue. We can also deepen the relationship.
Sometimes we conclude that it is necessary to forge new agreements.
A husband agrees with his wife: she will no longer humiliate him during conversations with friends. If she does, he will alert her with a discreet sign. A young woman resolves to give the relationship another opportunity when her partner, after a situation of infidelity, seeks therapy. Two friends agree to inform each other immediately if they feel something is amiss. This way, there is no painful release later on. Parents decide to give the relationship another chance when their drug-addicted son promises to enter rehab. An employer agrees with the unreliable employee. The employee will get a second chance. They must provide more regular updates. This will prevent such a situation from recurring.
Forgiveness, in itself, is unconditional; you cannot forgive ‘on the condition that,’ for then it is not genuine forgiveness.
It is an inner path that any individual can journey. Continuing a relationship is a collective choice people make in an imperfect world. This choice often requires robust, realistic agreements to support it.
Luc and Jeanine have been happily married for over thirty years. Their marriage did not always sail smoothly. However, their marriage boat has consistently continued to navigate. Now that their youngest child has left home, they are ready to enjoy a second spring in their lives. They plan to travel, indulge in hobbies, and savor dinners. Then it strikes them—fate: Jeanine is diagnosed with cancer. Luc dedicates himself entirely to her care, and deep gratitude flourishes in Jeanine. Until then, she had never fully grasped how much Luc loved her.
With this realization comes her desire to be completely open to him. She doesn’t want anything standing between them any longer. One evening, she confesses to him that she had a brief affair with a friend of his twenty years prior. She asks him to forgive her. Luc reacts furiously at first. Then comes profound sadness. Nothing is as it once was. Jeanine’s honesty has drastically altered his perspective on the past.
Jeanine is startled by his reaction.
She had hoped that, after all these years, it might feel less significant. After a period of detachment, Luc acknowledges the precious time they shared is slipping away. He let goes of his pride and starts speaking openly to her. He discovers he is not the sole victim of what occurred. Jeanine had experienced deep hurt as well. He had abandoned her to manage their large family alone for years while he focused all his energy on work. They make a promise to each other: from this point forward, they will not tolerate painful circumstances.
They will communicate openly about their difficulties. The idealized images of their past are shattered. Yet, their love has endured. It is a love devoid of illusions but filled with hope. The new openness brings happiness to both. Luc feels relieved that he can openly admit that sometimes the caregiving feels too much for him. Jeanine can express how lonely she sometimes feels. They love each other more than ever—just as they are: imperfect humans.
An experience of forgiveness and full reconciliation is among the most beautiful things life has to offer.
Someone makes a mistake, but asks for and receives forgiveness. As if this weren’t beautiful enough, the relationship evolves into something deeper and more beautiful than ever before. It mirrors the Biblical story of the father with two sons (Lk 15:11-32). The younger son deeply wounds his father and sets off on his own path. When everything goes awry, he regrets it and returns, begging his father to accept him as a worthy servant. He believes his father may forgive him.
However, he perceives that the relationship can never be restored to its former state. He has inflicted too much damage for that. But the father embraces him and showers him with gifts. He celebrates his son’s return home with a festive gathering. The relationship is not diminished; it is more profound than it ever was. For the first time, it becomes a father-son relationship where love flows in both directions.
We experience a love like that of the father as divine. This love is always present, although we don’t always perceive it that way. It remains steady, like the sun that shines continuously, even when thick clouds obstruct our view. We need true repentance and genuine mercy to make this love visible, then we feel it flowing through us. This Biblical narrative aims to instill hope. This love exists, and we were created to experience it. However, when we use this story as a standard, we encounter many reasons to feel frustrated. We may also feel compelled to view it as a moral obligation. Daily life often presents us with varying situations.
Forgiveness and continuing the relationship with more distance
Often, the relationship cannot be repaired, let alone deepened or reunited. We witness this phenomenon everywhere. Half of all marriages end in divorce. When there are children involved, former partners must focus on developing a different relationship. This relationship is more distant but crucial for the sake of their children’s well-being. It’s also important for their own grieving process. Trust has been severely compromised. There has been no dialogue. There is no request for forgiveness to rectify things. A request for forgiveness has not been made. Everything indicates a lack of sincere repentance.
Karel is in his fifties and works in the advertising sector.
He has been passionately dedicated to his company for over twenty years and has witnessed his department’s growth. Karel meticulously selects the most talented employees and trains them with enthusiasm. He holds every confidence in a young man, Bram, whom he occasionally refers to as ‘his crown prince.’ He recognizes the same drive for creative advertising in Bram. He expects Bram will successfully lead the department within the next fifteen years. Personally, they have a solid rapport outside of work.
However, for Bram, 15 years of waiting is far too prolonged. Once his training is complete, he starts to engage in trivial activities. These activities undermine Karel’s authority as head of the department. When Karel falls ill, and the likelihood of a full recovery appears uncertain, Bram seizes his opportunity. He successfully persuades the general manager to promote him to head of the department immediately.
Karel recovers and returns. He finds his department significantly diminished. Bram has co-opted the best talent and most promising projects into his new department. Nevertheless, after a brief adjustment period, Karel decides positively: he wants to release all resentful thoughts. He intends to work together with Bram as constructively as possible in the interests of the company. In fact, he seeks to continue recognizing Bram’s considerable talents in his heart and wishes him well. However, a cordial relationship is no longer viable. Such a situation may still progress toward healing the relationship. However, achieving this requires mending the wounds, ceasing injustice, and fostering sincere repentance.
Forgiveness and ending the relationship
You can traverse the path of forgiveness independently, uplifted by God’s grace. You don’t need the other person’s permission or remorse to embark on this journey. However, continuing the relationship—whether on a deeper or more superficial level—demands mutual willingness from both parties.
If the other party is determined not to renew the relationship, there is nothing we can do about it. We can only wish that person the best in silence and remain constructive. We can choose to forgive independently. At present we must trust the future of the relationship to God’s hands.
Other circumstances may render a (further) relationship impossible.
The other person may have moved on. They might also be faceless. For example, this could occur when we suffer harm from an impersonal organization or after a hit-and-run incident. Our aggressor may have already passed away or become too old or demented for a meaningful conversation.
We may decide to end the relationship altogether. This is especially true if the person presents a genuine threat to ourselves or our family. Can we, then, claim to have forgiven when we choose not to see someone again? We find the answer to this question within our hearts.
We have truly forgiven someone when we can think of them with kindness.
Furthermore, we sincerely wish them the best, even if we have terminated contact. We recognize that person’s intrinsic value, even if they caused us pain. We can still offer him or her a ‘future’ again.
However, if we experience anger at hearing good news about that person, it indicates lingering resentment. This reveals we are likely not yet fully forgiving them. This suggests that our pilgrimage toward forgiveness remains incomplete. I saw him on the street. I recognized him instantly.
He still bore the same swagger. He still wore the same casual smile. Once again, he was accompanied by a hopelessly infatuated young woman. Where did he manage to find those young girls? He must have been nearing his late forties by now. Somehow, he continues to attract vulnerable girls. And then the violence commences. We locked eyes. I managed not to look away. I must not have appeared unfriendly, for he nodded, albeit hesitantly. And I nodded back. I even offered a small smile. ‘Who was that?’ I heard the girl ask. Her voice carried a high and uncertain pitch. I hoped, for her sake, that he had changed. I wished the same for him. And I moved on, feeling joy with every step that placed me further from him.
Congratulations, you have reached the conclusion of this journey through forgiveness.
At the very least, you have completed the twelve impulses outlined about forgiveness. It is a path upon which we will continue to walk for the remainder of our lives. No matter how arduous that road may be, we encounter beautiful moments along the way. We discover good resting places and realize that we are never alone.
STEP 12 IN A NUTSHELL: Reconciliation is a broader concept than just continuing the relationship.
We can forgive and continue the relationship on a deeper level.
We can forgive and opt to continue the relationship on a less intimate level.
Yet, we can forgive and decide to conclude the relationship altogether.
STEP 12 AT YOUR HOME
Do you want to reflect on whether you wish to renew or end a particular relationship? Engage with the other steps on the journey toward forgiveness first. Then, take a moment to ask yourself a few pertinent questions. It makes sense to do this first.
Consider your role both as a perpetrator and as a victim.
Questions regarding your contribution to or wrongful conduct in the conflict:
- How did I come to hurt the other person?
- What was my deepest motivation?
- What family or cultural history led me to commit such acts?
- How can I modify my behavior in the future?
- Who or what could assist me with that?
Questions concerning your victim experience:
- What have I learned about myself?
- Have I become a better friend to myself as a result?
- Do I now speak to myself gently?
- Have I replaced ‘I must’ and ‘I should’ with ‘I would like…’?
- Am I able to respect my limits by saying ‘no’ to people’s requests, especially those I love?
- Can I express my irritation or hurt at someone’s behavior using ‘I’ statements?
- Do I recognize when my expectations of others are unrealistic?
- Has my self-esteem flourished through the forgiveness process?
- Do I feel safe and cherished by a merciful, just God? Am I courageous enough to show myself as I truly am to the God who became a vulnerable baby? This God was close to people, healed the sick, and died on the cross for me.
Contemplating these questions is a demanding task that you shouldn’t attempt to finish in one sitting. It will reveal how far you are in your journey toward forgiveness. It will assist you in determining the subsequent course of your relationship.
Older children can face numerous issues. They may feel animosity toward a bully or a teacher. First, guide them down the path of forgiveness regarding past wrongs (stopping injustice, caring for a wound,…). Then, inform them of a vital task that will help complete the journey.
Ask them if they can find an object that symbolizes one or more qualities of the person who harmed them.
Encourage them to tell you something about their chosen object. Recognizing this person’s dignity and qualities liberates and enhances their own happiness. Perhaps you could also watch the movie Dead Man Walking with older children (1995).
Dead Man Walking
This film narrates the story of Sister Helen Prejean. She accompanies Matthew Poncelet, the murderer of two teenagers, as he awaits his execution. The striking term ‘Dead Man Walking’ refers to a convict’s final journey from his cell to the execution site. The father of one of the murdered teenagers states: “Forgiveness will never be easy. Every day, I have to pray for it. Forgiveness may seem like a weakness, as if condoning someone’s crime, but it isn’t. Forgiveness is a means to free and save your own life again.”
If you refuse to forgive, bitterness and hatred greet you every morning. These emotions consume you, filling you with uncontrollable and rising hatred and revenge.
You then become a walking dead person. Young children demonstrate incredible skills in forgiving and renewing relationships effortlessly. Observe them as they engage once more. Be present to witness their camaraderie return. They are diligently playing with the sibling they were just quarreling with an hour ago. Marvel at their ability to forgive and renew relationships.
Good to know. This twelve-part series on Monbourquette’s journey towards forgiveness is a project of the Interdiocesan Service of Family Pastoral (IDGP).
Note: All names in the testimonials are fictitious, but the stories are authentic.
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