When someone asks you to forgive, you may first need a different question: what would help protect me from further harm? This opening article in the forgiveness series puts that question first. You do not have to stop another person’s behaviour by yourself, reconcile with them or show inner peace to deserve support.
Name the harm without a required conclusion
You may describe a repeated insult, threat, restriction or other behaviour. Ask what effect it has and what support is available. You do not need to prove the other person’s diagnosis or explain their motives.
A disagreement and a coercive situation may require different responses. This article cannot assess your risk. When there is danger or control, a direct conversation may be inappropriate. You are not at fault if speaking up is unsafe or if an earlier attempt did not change anything.
Understanding forgiveness as a choice
The earlier series drew on Jean Monbourquette’s pastoral approach. We retain a space for reflection while avoiding the claim that forgiveness reliably heals pain or must happen in twelve steps. People may understand the word differently or not want to use it.
Forgiveness, trust, accountability and contact are separate matters. You might wish to let go of a wish for revenge while still wanting distance. You might seek practical or professional advice without reaching any decision about forgiveness.
Protection does not depend on how kindly you feel
A person can seek help, report a concern or set a boundary while still feeling angry. A positive effect on the relationship is not the only measure of a sensible step. Some protective decisions do not improve the relationship.
Avoid rules such as always confront, always leave immediately or always put everyone’s comfort first. Housing, money, health, children and available support can affect what is feasible. A suitable professional can help consider those circumstances.
Support and retaliation are different
Talking with a trusted person about what happened is not automatically gossip or revenge. Privacy and accuracy matter: share what is needed with someone who can support you, rather than mobilising people to intimidate another person.
A hypothetical example: someone seeks advice before answering repeated hostile messages. They may decide to pause contact or explore another form of support. The example offers a question, not a legal solution or a promise that the hostility will stop.
Children should not carry the repair work
If a child describes being harmed, listen and take the concern seriously. Do not require an apology ceremony, shared hug or quick declaration of forgiveness to restore family harmony. Adults need to consider protection and appropriate support.
A family slogan about having no grudges should not make a child afraid to speak again. They may need time, a private conversation or help from someone outside the family. A calm appearance does not establish that the problem is resolved.
An optional starting point
Try naming what is happening, what you need and whom you could safely ask. Keep notes only if they can be stored safely. The Dutch-language guide to boundaries and inner safety offers another perspective.
If you want to continue the series, the discussion of anger without retaliation is available. You may stop here. Forgiveness is not an entrance requirement for protection.
Optional further reading
The existing reading link below concerns adult relationships and self-awareness. It is not treatment evidence or a required purchase. This is an affiliate link: a purchase may generate a commission.
How to Be the Love You Seek by Nicole LePera (English e-book)
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Annemie Persyn-Declercq en Johan Persyn
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